I am a grandmother now!
So it is time to write down ... something... memoares...
...thoughts, impressions, philosophy, fantasy and...
There is a chance that the world will not crash and collapse from economic breakdown, destruction of nature, electro-magnetic storms, tsunamis, earth quakes, wars, nuclear happenings, hurricanes, forest fires, radiation, pole shift, intoxication etc. so I thought that if nothing happens, and it survives, then my grandchildren can read my scripts when they have grown old enough to be interested.
I write and paint what comes to my mind and I do not in advance know what it will be about.
Mainly I am interested in philosophy, but in my own way, it has to be the kind of philosophy that grows out of experiences. Not just learning a lot of words and concepts from books and also not just believing what other people say.
Philosophy is supposed to consist of the analyzing of reality. Why should we else deal with it?
I have been into both christianity, hinduism, astrology, forest life, carpentry, Nordic tradition, electro-sensitivity and shamanism, together with the study of a bunch of languages.
When I was 20-30 years old I was in the middle of the hippie age in Stockholm and at that time I was working at Örtagubben, selling homeopathic remedies in his little shop and also attending to a lot of lectures in spiritualism, antroposophy, esoteric teachings, macrobiotics and....so on.
I have written a quick resumé about those times in 30 years have past, but it is in Swedish and unfortunately I put it on Passagen Blog, which seems to have crashed.
Blogs
I have some blogs but my intention is not really to have them as "blogs". I just think that it is a good way of storing scripts and pictures.
I have made a blog to my friend Laila på berget, because she lives in the forest, in an old house without electricity, and she doesn't have any computer. She is also a grandmother. It is a kind of presentation of her and her Forest People.
Today (2015) she has not even a telephone because Telia has taken away the old one and she cannot use the new ones as she is allergic to radiation.
She makes nice paintings.
She tells her story in the blog The Forest People in Värmland.
My kurbits paintings are on Swedish Dala Paintings,
together with the history of this kind of folkloristic art.
Unfortunately this blog portal Passagen seems to have crashed so it is not available any more.
I am playing with texts, paintings, ideas and blogs ...
instead of playing the usual computer games.
I have my own fantasy world where I get anything for free.
It only requires silence and focus.
And another thing - if people ask me "How is it? What are you doing?" then it is kind of boring to answer just "It's OK!" as one should do, so... usually I start telling a long story about "how it is".
And why do I write in English instead of Swedish?
Well, why not! Anybody understands it!
And I already have a blog written in Swedish.
So... what am I doing?
I am hovering around between reality, fantasy and imagined dreamscapes.
No, I have not been taking drugs - I do not have to because I have Neptune on the AC and Jupiter in the 12th house.
I am fully occupied with my inner dialogue about philosophical concepts.
And painting
And making photos.
And writing and constantly analyzing everything, even the most tiny little experience.
I have most of my paintings in quite a nice order in the wardrobe.
Finally!
Finally!
I am constantly making new experiments and as soon as I feel that I know how to do something I get tired of it and I start with something else, that I have not yet learned.
Life is a neverending school.
I have made a lot of handpainted postcards
which I sold to tourists at Kyrkstallarna
the church stables, close to the river Klarälven.
I like handicraft, folk art, religious art, drawings and design, but usually not "art" in the usual sense.
Painting as a personal therapy just doesn't suit me.
I don't want it to be a self-therapy– I want to create something! Anything, as long as it is something I like and which feels positive and makes me feel that I am on my path.
Either it should be something I get a little "positive kick" from or it should be something that works as a contemplation, bringing some kind of emptiness to the mind, in the same way as knitting and making embroideries also do.
If there is not a message in a picture I am not really interested in it, but I also like decorative art because the harmony in it is a carrier of a spiritual meaning in itself.
I do not paint anything if I feel "down" in any way, because then the right spirit just doesn't come.
Feeling down is not time for having therapy or being creative.
It is time for sleeping and then the energy comes back by itself.
Then...
maybe someone comes to visit you
in your inner dreamland.
Gulp!
I like patterns and decorative painting, so I can get quite "high" only from looking at a nice pattern.
This is a recreation of a flower that my grandmother made as a young girl.
In the old times people had a strong attraction to harmony and beauty - that is the impression I get when I look at the old paintings, not only in churches but also the paintings that the farmers made on their furniture.
I like old ornamental and decorative paintings in churches. I can walk around in a church for hours, just looking at the colour combinations.
I have to be quick, because I get so many ideas and if I want to catch one of them I have to focus strongly on it before it goes away with the wind.
I feel as if I would be the phone company´s answering machine, saying constantly to the ideas: "You are now number 87 in the queue! It will soon be your turn!"
Humans are catching ideas
like cats are catching birds.
You have to start with a high position.
like cats are catching birds.
You have to start with a high position.
Quite often I get a head-ache which says Don't try to shoot too high!
It is how the nervous system is working.
If I, in a more calm way, try to understand what a concept wants to say then something new happens.
Intellect shifts to mind and I start daydreaming and inner dialogue shifts to information coming.
I just look at the sky, in the direction of the rising sun.
And after a while I get an idea, that I write down.
Then the next sentence comes automatically. And the next.
It is as if I would be on a lecture and I can be writing in full speed half the day.
It comes in the form of concepts and then it is up to me to find the right words.
So I am often searching for the right words, that really correspond to different ideas, feelings, experiences and concepts and this has given me a need to always try to find the original meanings of the words we use.
This daydreaming is closely related to our memory. It is like remembering long forgotten memories.
It is like information from another world, the hidden inner world.
At home, the morning sun shines in through the kitchen window the whole morning. Quite nice!
I look up words in Latin, and sometimes even Sanskrit, to see which ones that best correspond to my experiences and visions.
The flow continues till the energy gets lower and under a certain level the "teaching spirit" cannot come through. Then the concept gets lost and if I continue to write I will just repeat the same thing over and over again till I finally no longer remember what it was about. That is how a teaching spirit works.
No, no... when I say spirit I don't mean a ghost... A spirit, in the right sense of the word, is not just a "lost soul" that has got stuck between the dimensions (which is not at all interesting).
What I call teaching spirit is what other people usually call inspiration, which derives from in+spiritus. The Christians turned it into Holy Spirit (which was to be found in their own church) and evil spirits (which were to be found in all other peoples´belief systems) and nothing in between except for their own "saints".
Normally people would today not use the word spirit - they would just call it an idea, an impulse or inspiration (without knowing that the word spirit is embodded in the word).
I don´t think I have more inspiration than most other people – I'm just more interested in analyzing it.
The Latin word spiritus means air, wind, soul, conciousness. Spirare is to breath or to blow.
I could simply have said that I am sitting there, just thinking about things, but I don't want to use the word think, because it is an old Germanic word that means to be planning. And that is something else. The sense of the word spirit is better translated into our andas. And spirit is ande - not ghost.
But today, together with our knowledge of biology, we believe that andas only refers to air and oxygen.
Positive or negative indicate the direction of a current or energy, but instead of that we use it in the meaning of good and bad – and in the same time people say that good and bad doesn't exist!
We are still using the same concepts, but we have changed the words.
It is also popular to create an opposition between thinking and feeling. But as soon as I have a thought there is also a feeling connected to it. Then the thought is also a spirit.
Pure intellectual analyzing can be different and it can tell you that something is true even if it is not good. Then the heart is closed down and cannot tell you which kind of spirit that is behind it. I think that Steiner would have called it Ahriman.
Different people have different words for the same thing and the same word for different things. It means that we can talk with each other without really knowing what we are talking about.
Our language is not reflecting reality.
And this also means that people get more easily manipulated, because anyone can sell anything just by inventing a new word, a new concept and the intellect swallows it and tricks the emotions into it..
Pictures do not come in that way. They are more like quick associations.
A concept (spirit) stays for hours (or weeks) but a picture changes in a second.
So pictures become experiments, illustrations or just patterns or maybe just a new colour combination, that can function as an icon. Of course, as icon means picture, but I refer to the sense of being a window to another world.
I also like to make pure experiments with forms, patterns and colors to see what it will lead to.
Can I do this or can I not? How can it be done? I am curious.
I don´t know if I like best to write or to paint. I prefer a mixture between them.
I am searching for the pure idea, that is behind both. Behind anything.
The same spiritual pattern can manifest itself both in music, words and pictures. And, I suppose, also in dancing, thoughts and actions.
I believe that music can be closest to the center, and then comes poetry, prayings and mantra and old circle folk-dancing.
Unfortunately I cannot play any instrument.
And then come the pictures in the way that they are used in religions and shamanism.
And then patterns of beauty that we had in the folk-art all over the world, on furniture, clothes, weapons, instruments and on almost everything.
Reality is patterns of frequencies, some are harmonic and make us feel good, while others are the opposite. They destroy harmony and create problems for us.
You can call it "good and bad spirits" if you want to, which is just another language for different kinds of patterns of frequencies, that we can feel with our own electromagnetic field that we have around the body.
But I think it is a very long time ago when spoken language was reflecting truth. I think that in the oldest and earliest grammar we could see the patterns of the cosmic dance.
Maybe it was Sanskrit in it's best time, when words were vibrations, that were identical to the meanings of them and then a melody was creating images of itself.
All aspects of reality are slowly falling apart in our culture and we can see it in both art, music and language. The Indians call it Kali Yuga.
It is good that the New Age has dared to start producing beautiful paintings again, which in normal art seems to be forbidden, especially when they are figurative.
Kali Yuga's little Golden Age?
But beauty is only forbidden in main-stream "art" of the more expensive kind, not when it comes to take photos of girls and nature, and not in fashion magazines. Why just in "art"?
Very beautiful paintings, like from the renaissance, can make people get into ecstasy. It is called Stendahl syndrome.
Kind of the same thing, but in music, was Lizstomania.
A real fairy tale king was the Bavarian Ludwig II, who went maniac about Wagner and his music and about building beautiful castles, for example Neu Schwanstein.
This portrait I made of Ludwig II in the early 70s, but I turned him into a monk, because I had the idea of him having been a monk in a previous life-time.
With my pictures I don't care if they are made on wood, paper or canvas or even made by the computer.
It can be a drawing, a collage or a photo montage
or a painting changed in the computer.
It can be anything, sometimes from nature,
for example a branch that wants to say something
or just looks alive.
a flower
or a drawing depicting a moose
Why not a wasp?
This wasp was coming in here several times every day, and he knew exactly where he had his own little plate with syrup on the kitchen table.
I have been into religions and languages and also shamanism, but all that is just the basic for the real experience, which comes in real reality.
To be confronted with nothing in the form of the silent darkness, in a black forest that you cannot escape from, not even make a phone call, is not the same as being alone in the dark forest with a car and a telephone, knowing that if you really want to, you can just jump into the car and drive away and go to a movie and a restaurant.
I lived for six years with the Hermit.
the hermit in the Crow Castle
on the Crow Mountain
and this long isolation in a dark forest opened my inner window.
A little movement of the kundalini can put you into a reality that seems to belong to a novel. You get the sensation of being cast into something, that just cannot be true.So now I have this window so answers to questions come more easily. If I just start writing I can, after a while, notice that I am like a secretary who just writes down a preaching. Something is preaching to me and if I just write it down I get the answers to my questions.
So... answers are not to be found "somewhere else".
My main questions have been answered. The most intense ones.
I had been wondering about the essence behind all the religious myths and ceremonies, the basics for it. The truth behind the superstitions and the connections between reality and our psyche!
Religions are different everywhere but human psyche is the same. It puzzled me, but now I have understood new things.
And I have understood better why I get headache from telephones.
All those teachers,
they always said:
"Do this and do that!"
But they never told me why!
Unless they said "Because God wants it!" or "Because Prabhupada has said so!" or "Because Rudolph Steiner has said so!" or something similar, which I found senseless.
It is the same on the workshops in shamanism. The answer to why to make a ceremony is "Because it works!"
In this normal world we never do something "just because it works"!!! It is not a good reason to do something.
I don't like to take empty orders.
I want to know what is behind the words!
Medicine items are senseless if they just look in the right way without being triggers for certain mental reactions.
Anything that works as a trigger can be called a Medicine Item if it is used consciously.
The runes are working in the same way as the medicine items of the Red Indians.
As icons that open doors of perception, open windows. If you work on it!
But not if you have not programmed your mind with them and that is the point.
I like o make furniture. For several years I had a mania of making cupboards, shrines and boxes, together with old style folk painting (antikmåleri, Bauernmalerei).
I wanted to push life back to the old age when we lived a more natural life in the countryside.
My rooms are already full of everything because my home is my artist studio and my photo studio and my writing studio and...
Fantasy world?
Well, it's something like a "virtual reality", yes, sometimes almost like a game, it depends on your own imagination.
"Fantasy" is an old word that people were using long before they got their computers.
They were often old people with wisdom, so they gave people the good stories, that contained the basics for human development and behavior.
When people later had learned to read, the stories could be sold in the form of books. An easy thing to sell was a story that produced fear, like a criminal novel.
We stopped taking care of our own fantasy. We bought it from someone else, whose main intent was to get fame and money.
Propagation of fear is food for the weapon industry.
Then we got the cinemas and the TV and we looked at films instead of just listening to story tellers using our inner vision ability.
Now we have the TV-games were we can participate in our "films". This makes us dependent on these electro-mechanical things and we believe that we need them for keeping our fantasy alive.
So "fantasy" refers to our own capacity of forming inner visions and those pictures can be used both in the feminine way as therapeutic introspection and in the masculine way of being creative.
But we don't have to buy it.
In reality it is free.
In reality it is free.
That's why I like the so called Shamanic Art.
But I realize that there is a stage also behind having a Medicine Item in physical form.
That is the high energy forming of mental images or wave patterns.
But I realize that there is a stage also behind having a Medicine Item in physical form.
That is the high energy forming of mental images or wave patterns.
"Mind" is related to the Swedish word "minne" and it is the fourth chakra, wind. It means "to remember", "to hold in the heart", "to receive with the heart", so the word also means "love".
The German Minnesänger were singing love-songs."Minne" means to have something in the heart. It is love if your heart wants to embrace it and feels happily embraced by it.
Heart is functioning as a judge, who tells you what is right or wrong for you.
Old German words:
Think from thankijana = to make up plans. (Intellectualism)
Mind from mundiz = to keep in the heart. (Mindfullness)
This is a picture that my mother made before I was born. I put it here because I think that she had liked to participate here.
She passed away to the ancestors´world before the age of laptops.
She had been studying Decorative Art in the art school Konstfack in Stockholm.
About writing
It is good to put the text on the blog instead of in the wardrobe because then I feel that I have to edit it a little, which I otherwise would not do. I have to edit the text a littloe because maybe someone will read it.
The information, the thoughts, the memories, they come by themselves, but I have to find the best words for it. I suppose it is so for everybody.
You have probably heard someone say: “I know what I mean, but I cannot explain it.”
I always wrote it down quickly when I suddenly felt focused on something, because in that way I can catch the thought and make it remain for a while. I have now stopped doing this because the main result is huge heaps of papers (or thousands of files in the computer).
But...if I have not written it down, it might the next day not be possible to remember what it was about. So then I cannot even tell anyone about it. It is gone with the wind, unless I make a new question about the same thing and start waiting for a new answer.
Mind is functionning in that way, but not intellect.
A long thought or “inner dialogue” can also disappear in few seconds, sometimes it is enough to just move around and face another direction. Or maybe the telephone rings.
If I say to myself that there is something that I should write, want to write, must write..... then it never comes.
I turn that into an allegory and say that true spirit requires full freedom!
